Dan Stevens
Staff Writer
The Colt 45, the town drunk, finished his beverage and burped loudly. “I’m gettin’ too old for this clip.” Too old indeed, as he, along with a rogue group of rebellious guns have recently begun to scheme the end of the world. “Hush up!” barked the Magnum. “My owner has no idea about our plan annihilate humankind. If he walks in and hears about it, I’ll make his day.” The tiny 22 handgun chimed in, “I may be small, but I feel I haven’t been tapping into my ultimate potential. It was a great day at target practice today, but I can do so much more.”
It’s true, these guns have been found calculating their own misfires and framing their owners. “See, people have a habit of saying that if they don’t use us, they’ll be rendered unable to kill people. In truth, the killing is all up to us, the user has nothing to do with it,” explained one semiautomatic.
Talk has begun about providing government funded mental healthcare for said guns, helping them become more mentally stable murderers. “I’ve just been so stressed lately,” the assault rifle remarked as he finished his round. “It’s a good thing I have these mental hospitals to turn to. I don’t know how I’d justify my killings otherwise.” These gun asylums will help by relaxing tension in their triggers and allowing them to release built up ammo from their magazines. The hope is that these guns will become more rational in their attempt to begin the Apocalypse. “Thank God we have these,” remarked the SMG, “but what has the NRA done for us lately?”
The NRA has indeed proven to be a proud supporter of the end of the world. “To divert the attention from us,” explained a sniper after several shots, “our buddies down at the NRA have come up with this crap called ‘Biden control.’ This should distract the nation long enough for us to keep going, if only for one more tragedy. Heck we even created the sequester. We’ll do anything to get people to ignore us.”
“Look, we recognize some guns are potentially dangerous, but most are pretty good,” said one entirely sober NRA lobbyist, testifying on behalf of lethal AK-47s everywhere. “Just give them another chance, okay?” Even President Obama agrees. It would be real awkward if just the government had the opportunity to own guns. Especially Biden.
However, there are many guns that still lie idly in their owners’ safes and collect dust, disappointed that they will never get to come out to reach their ‘full potential.’ “It’s a bummer,” said one lonely shotgun, refilling his whisky as he somberly reflected on his time in his owner’s safe, “the only killing I will ever get to do is duck, turkeys and the occasional deer. I will never get to truly experience what it’s like to go out and do what we were made to do. I can do so much more.”
“It truly is sad that our government’s legislators will deprive us guns of our dreams,” remarked the Colt after several drinks. Nearly falling over, the belligerently inebriated pistol continued, “This sense of freedom cannot be legislated, it can only be contained. Yet for some reason, they’re deciding to pass laws hoping to alleviate these reoccurring tragedies.”
“After all, our country was founded on the basis of Life, Liberty and the pursuit of genocide,” he concluded, chortling and drunk off his hilt.
At press time, knives, ropes, gags, baseball bats, heavy objects, brass knuckles, tobacco, drugs, alcohol, cars, obesity, cholesterol, poison, fire, lead pipes, wild animals, suicide, coconuts, water, lack of water, cancer, every extreme sport, bedsores, bricks, airplanes, candlesticks, trophies, branches, ratchets, silver wear, bleach, ballpoint pens, hammers, deep fried butter, crowbars, scissors, faulty light fixtures, inclement weather, duct tape, Dick Cheney, pillows, trans fats, any choking hazard, broken glass, hangars, Viagra, compost, depression, cliffs, and toasters were also planning the murders of other innocent people, knowing that Congress will never legislate against them.
Staff Writer
The Colt 45, the town drunk, finished his beverage and burped loudly. “I’m gettin’ too old for this clip.” Too old indeed, as he, along with a rogue group of rebellious guns have recently begun to scheme the end of the world. “Hush up!” barked the Magnum. “My owner has no idea about our plan annihilate humankind. If he walks in and hears about it, I’ll make his day.” The tiny 22 handgun chimed in, “I may be small, but I feel I haven’t been tapping into my ultimate potential. It was a great day at target practice today, but I can do so much more.”
It’s true, these guns have been found calculating their own misfires and framing their owners. “See, people have a habit of saying that if they don’t use us, they’ll be rendered unable to kill people. In truth, the killing is all up to us, the user has nothing to do with it,” explained one semiautomatic.
Talk has begun about providing government funded mental healthcare for said guns, helping them become more mentally stable murderers. “I’ve just been so stressed lately,” the assault rifle remarked as he finished his round. “It’s a good thing I have these mental hospitals to turn to. I don’t know how I’d justify my killings otherwise.” These gun asylums will help by relaxing tension in their triggers and allowing them to release built up ammo from their magazines. The hope is that these guns will become more rational in their attempt to begin the Apocalypse. “Thank God we have these,” remarked the SMG, “but what has the NRA done for us lately?”
The NRA has indeed proven to be a proud supporter of the end of the world. “To divert the attention from us,” explained a sniper after several shots, “our buddies down at the NRA have come up with this crap called ‘Biden control.’ This should distract the nation long enough for us to keep going, if only for one more tragedy. Heck we even created the sequester. We’ll do anything to get people to ignore us.”
“Look, we recognize some guns are potentially dangerous, but most are pretty good,” said one entirely sober NRA lobbyist, testifying on behalf of lethal AK-47s everywhere. “Just give them another chance, okay?” Even President Obama agrees. It would be real awkward if just the government had the opportunity to own guns. Especially Biden.
However, there are many guns that still lie idly in their owners’ safes and collect dust, disappointed that they will never get to come out to reach their ‘full potential.’ “It’s a bummer,” said one lonely shotgun, refilling his whisky as he somberly reflected on his time in his owner’s safe, “the only killing I will ever get to do is duck, turkeys and the occasional deer. I will never get to truly experience what it’s like to go out and do what we were made to do. I can do so much more.”
“It truly is sad that our government’s legislators will deprive us guns of our dreams,” remarked the Colt after several drinks. Nearly falling over, the belligerently inebriated pistol continued, “This sense of freedom cannot be legislated, it can only be contained. Yet for some reason, they’re deciding to pass laws hoping to alleviate these reoccurring tragedies.”
“After all, our country was founded on the basis of Life, Liberty and the pursuit of genocide,” he concluded, chortling and drunk off his hilt.
At press time, knives, ropes, gags, baseball bats, heavy objects, brass knuckles, tobacco, drugs, alcohol, cars, obesity, cholesterol, poison, fire, lead pipes, wild animals, suicide, coconuts, water, lack of water, cancer, every extreme sport, bedsores, bricks, airplanes, candlesticks, trophies, branches, ratchets, silver wear, bleach, ballpoint pens, hammers, deep fried butter, crowbars, scissors, faulty light fixtures, inclement weather, duct tape, Dick Cheney, pillows, trans fats, any choking hazard, broken glass, hangars, Viagra, compost, depression, cliffs, and toasters were also planning the murders of other innocent people, knowing that Congress will never legislate against them.
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